In all the years I have been lucky enough to be on this planet the thing I absolutely fucking know is this - you can be broken, sick, broke, and just in a total garbage shit show situation and you can decide to do something about YOU. That decision changes EVERYTHING. You can change everything.
I was 30 years old when I got my first taste of utter failure as an adult woman. I had moved across country with a boyfriend who I had decided was the “one”. I didn’t listen to when he would say he never wanted kids. I didn’t listen when he would say he wasn’t sure he would ever want to be married, but “maybe babydoll” Ugh. I was sure that because he said he loved me that I would be the one for him too. I would be the one who he WOULD want those things with. I spent over 5 years hearing the things I wanted to hear. We got the shiny condo on the Upper East Side and I thought life was just going to be perfect. We would have the perfect babies. Perfect little NYC family.
I sure as shit didn’t listen to that voice inside me that was SCREAMING, “WENDY! He is not the one. He is never going to change and he is going to cheat on you.”
I didn’t listen.
I didn’t listen until it wasn’t an internal voice and all of that fear had become technicolor reality. My ultimate nightmare. Oh. I should mention I was also over 300 pounds and had just found out I have a tumor in my head. This is where I have to think, if there is a God and I find myself leaning more towards yes nowadays - he had to be preparing me for doing some epic level shit now with what was being thrown at me then. Finding out about the cheating was almost minor in comparison to Yosemite Sam (what I named my tumor) . I say almost because the devastation I felt was actually worse. The tumor I decided I could handle. Being betrayed...not so much.
I hate when people say things like, “I wouldn’t change anything because it brought me to where I am now.” Like...I would def change some things and I am confident I would still end up just as awesome and loving my life just as much. But I admit that it was going through this time where I learned something that does feel magical once you start believing it - You can accomplish anything and have anything you want if you go after it.
I rose from those ashes a totally different woman and decided right then and there I was going to live an amazing life and I was going to create it on my own. I talk to so many people and it hurts me to hear their pain. I know where they are. I know those feelings and I would totally wave a magic wand if I could.
You have to own your part in your story. I had to look in the mirror and realize I was an active participant in digging the ditch I found myself in. You have to DECIDE to make yourself happy. You have to decide to make the time for all those things you say you just don’t have time for. You and I both know that they are just excuses. You have to realize your worth and that you are an amazing, unique, incredible badass who deserves a life of love and happiness.
I believe in you.
You have to start listening. You have to take action. And find those people who cheer you on. They are out there.
Listen. Decide. THEN MOVE.